poolside summer

just when we were about to go crazy in our little hole, we decided to look for a pool to drown out our boredom. this is only the third time i was able to visit pryce plaza hotel. charlie badly needs a tan. i dont need one so i desperately looked for a bit of shade to squeeze into. it was very hot and the sunscreen didn't help. but we had lots of fun! we had the pool to ourselves for about 3 hours. i guess nobody else could stand the heat.

it was Fun Day at the pool so for 150 pesos we were able to get free lunch. the down side is they dont offer drinks along with it. so we had to buy iced tea at 45 pesos. bohooo!!!

added to the 8 zillionth amazing observations charlie has is that the pool guy actually told him to take a shower before he could get in the pool.  as usual charlie says, "i've never had anybody tell me that before." oh well.

charlie tried to teach me to swim. it didnt really help coz i always ended up laughing and swallowing pool water (gross!). it was a warm moment with him and it just felt so good to laugh and swim and tease and laugh some more.

then we went to the serious business of sunbathing. it was amazing how he could bear to be under the heat of the midday sun and enjoy reading a book!

before we left, we played at the seesaw. oh yeah. my husband wanted to play. look at his silly smile!

we then checked out the gym and spa, walked down to the highway and took videos of how we walk. haha! but before that, we managed to take a pciture of the two of us. i am charcoal next to him. ugh!

of wakes and debuts

there are only two events in this world that i do not go to - wakes and debuts.

 

this is a terribly belated confession to make. i have disrespectfully turned my back on debut invitations and turned a blind eye on wakes of students, family friends, student's parents, classmates and teachers who have died.

i absolutely respect the importance of both events to the lives of my friends and their families. i am certain that if i am in the same position, i would be hurt to be ignored. i would want me to be there when i begin ladyhood and become officially legal. i would want me to be there offering comfort at the death of a loved one. but i suck at these things.

mere presence would have been a grand gift and a great comfort.

i do not remember when i decided to skip those two events. but i want to tell you dear mikee and jyle that my heart was absolutely twisting in indecision. i just could not make my body move. and when i did try, i got physically sick. you were always in my mind and i prayed hard that you are happy even if one teacher decided to be absent.

this brings me to horrifying realization that i am bound to start disappointing a lot of people as i grow older. i'm afraid i have become jaded and cynical and oftentimes i see flashbacks of how much i have disappointed many of those who looked up to me. this makes me cringe in shame and regret. i cannot undo everything i have done. i am such a small thing, a mere flawed human. the things i speak of before as true and lasting and dear, i often forget many times as each year passes by.

the longer i am in the world, the more that the struggle for genuine-ness and sincerity take its toll on me. and i am oftentimes confronted with how awfully insignificant and imperfect i am. then i look at the kids i used to teach. now grown up and confronting their own adult struggles. i am humbled that they chose to remember me but all i do is disappoint them. i take it like a stab to the heart. it pains me. it makes me look for the "me" that i was. the one that would do all it takes to show care and sincerity and love.

i cannot find "me".

i got lost somewhere between the struggles of raising a family and confronting my personal demons. i got buried together with a mountain of bills and tuition and daily allowances i had to pay for. i drowned in the bitter realization that i am not enough and i cannot do enough no matter how hard i worked. i lost heart in the struggle for justice and righteousness that nobody took seriously. my heart was trampled on and got used many many times over. it got calloused and hard and i learned to look out for myself. to think of the other "me" again. the other side of the coin. i worked to survive.

so when i get invitations to attend debuts, all i feel is pain. i do not deserve the honor to give blessings. my presence would be a farce. i have changed so much that i feel i am not really the one being invited, but the person i was. so forgive my cowardice, dear mikee and jyle. there is still that lost part of me that thinks of you fondly. and i have not forgotten you. i want to tell you what older people say to the younger ones such as you, "you will understand when you get older".

wakes make me sad. it wraps me in such negativity that i get a bad headache afterwards. i get nausea from the flowers and spirit of the place wraps itself around me even when im home.  i do not like the waiting and looking at the sad people. funerals are better. there is a haunting beauty there that i find intensely powerful. and people actually smile and laugh after the burial! but wakes are like an immense feeling of waiting. its prolonging sadness and it hurts me physically. its a sadness that is too sad for me. i avoid it. and i cannot apologize for it.

this entry is making me sad too..so i have to end it.

My List of Charlie Quotable Quotes

1. Oh man, what's up with that?

2. Duh!

3. When kids have no toys, they take off their shoes and throw 'em at each other.

4. This is wrong, Shals!

5. Why do you need a cigarette when you live in Smokesville?

6. Far out!

7. I feel sick.

8. Nobody in the rest of the world does that Shals. Nobody.

9. In my country...

10.  This is worse than India. No, nothing is worse than India.

11.  I am a Cathaholic.

12.  Shals, do you know why I love you so much?

13.  We don't have any money, Shals.

14.  Don't say that word.

15.  I don't care.

16.  I don't know, Shals. It's your decision.

17.  Hey Al, my wife says you are gorgeous!

18.  What happened to your stomach?

19.  You're eating all these poison.

20.  They are nice people but they dont really take care of you.

21.  I find that weird.

22.  Oh my God!

23.  I've told you a million times!

24.  This is called socialism.

25.  I love you.

Twelve Things I Learned About Marriage So Far

1.  It's nice to wake up un-alone and have smooches even with bad breath.

2.  When you eat meat and he doesn't, settle for eggs.

3.  Do not mess with his shoes, man!

4.  Always put wet clothes in plastic bags.

5.  Say your piece but don't yell.

6.  He will always say bad things about Ph but it doesn't mean he hates being here.

7.  Men change their minds more often than women.

8.  Travel light does not apply all the time.

9.  A kiss always makes things a lot better.

10.  Do not pour hot water in plastic bottles, where is your brain?

11.  Not all meals are taken three times a day.

12.  I can survive without rice.