what is essential is invisible to the eye

ten minutes ago, i was at the height of overwhelming curiosity...
nine minutes ago, my eyes were wide with awe and disbelief...
seven minutes ago, i felt uncomfortable stirrings of envy...
two minutes ago, i was wallowing in self-pity...
a minute ago, i opened blogger and signed in.

it took stories captured in photographs to make me feel all these emotions. a picture paints a thousand words. in this case, those pictures just gave me a novel!

so what is my antsy self about this time? well, friendster started it. this amazing site helped me reconnect with my childhood buddies. its with great amazement that i found out that many of them have been surfing the world for years! woah! and here i am still dreaming about it with thailand as the ONLY feasible place i can afford to go to.

just to make myself feel worse (i can be masochistic), i opened my own friendster photos. to my shame all i see are immersion pics, xuhs pics, and siargo pics. worse, any viewer could see the glamour of my work! teacher.me. NO snow, NO fireworks, NO disneyland, NO blue-eyed blonde anywhere! just mountains, dilapidated chapels, dust, sweat ( i swear the viewer could smell us!), islands (how unique. there should be a yacht somewhere), and to my horror, CORNFIELDS! before my heart sank down to my banana peels, i gave a sigh of disgust. everyone has been everywhere but me.

why? because i choose to teach.

you can say this is an after-effect of bro. francis' how do you keep the music playing but after i got over (a little) my envy of my globe-trotting friends and shame over my rustic lifestlye, i went over my photos again. i did nt see snow, fireworks,temples,disneyland but what is there is just as awesome. can be even more so!

i saw how i choose my life.

i still envy my friends but i cannot be ashamed of my choices. those pictures that i have are NOT ABOUT PLACES, its about PEOPLE. and thats the most essential thing. heaven is where my heart is. it is with the persons i chose to invest my life with. and when i look at those pictures again, the words they say are more romantic than snow falling over bridges, more powerful than a dozen fireworks, more grand than a royal palace, more awesome than mickey mouse. i see my life and i see people who make up my life. and i am grateful.

ten minutes ago, i opened blogger and signed in.
five minutes ago i was overwhelmed by sadness.
three minutes ago, i was ecstatic with realization.
a minute ago,i said I AM GRATEFUL.

now, i publish.

osasi team siargao churva

cloud 9: those kids are naughty but nice. they would lend us their surfboards for free!
i think one of the most photographed spots in siargao.
on the way to sohoton: promise the waves were NOT huge!
at the mouth of the cave before we had our dive. woah!
guyam island: we are alive. yeah.

Note: Nitz is our photographer.kk.

reminiscing

LC SUMMER CAMP 2006

where am i going?

Alice and the Cat:

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Alice in Wonderland is one story i never quite understood, and didn't want to for a long time. Its a case of rebellion coz until now, deep inside, i do not really like my name. Haha! If somebody calls me by that name, it still sounds weird as if the person is refering to someone else. Not me. I am not an Alice. ALice sounds too feminine and dainty. Everything I'm not.

I grew up reading Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Pinocchio and all the fairy tale stories in our Disney Children's books. She's even one of the subjects for my early attempts at drawing. In which case, i always would have a bad case of self-pity after everything about her face goes wrong. Captain Hook is so much easier to draw. Even Tinkerbelle!

I never thought of Alice having any sensible thought except trying to find her way out of Wonderland. I always thought stupidity caused her to fall in the first place. That and being "chismosa". Haha! I read the Lewis Caroll original version about two months ago. I still dont understand it. But i strive to give meaning to an otherwise banal conversation. Like the one on top.

I can so relate. I am at that stage where i actually, honestly have no idea where to go. I know i wanted to die at 30 years of age but the way life is going for me now, i guess Bugoy has other plans. Whatever that is, He has not deemed me worthy of death yet. Ive asked more than a couple of people the question of where do i go from here. I have a stable job. Like i could spend my whole life wasting away at xuhs (hehe). My family's not so bad, i had disastrous relationships (at least i had), and numerous friends who think i'm sane and therefore worthy of their esteem. I've fallen in and out of love like any typical female, had my share of successes and cried through my failings. I have my faith (or what's left of it) and been to places of consequence to my adventurous side. And i now own a Labrador retriever who never lets me out of her sight. Alelluia!

And so i find myself experimenting yet again. Just to see if i still have the strength to walk somewhere. I've made new friends. I want to explore again. Dream new dreams. Think new thoughts. To go "somewhere". Anywhere not here. I do love xuhs, my family, and my friends but i also get to live only once and if God meant for me to be stuck here He wouldn't have made a planet this wide!

I've no idea where to go but i know i have to get somewhere. And i know that once i get somewhere, i'd want to go somewhere again! Seems like i was named Alice for a reason too.

If only i could find that rabbit hole...