where am i going?

Alice and the Cat:

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Alice in Wonderland is one story i never quite understood, and didn't want to for a long time. Its a case of rebellion coz until now, deep inside, i do not really like my name. Haha! If somebody calls me by that name, it still sounds weird as if the person is refering to someone else. Not me. I am not an Alice. ALice sounds too feminine and dainty. Everything I'm not.

I grew up reading Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Pinocchio and all the fairy tale stories in our Disney Children's books. She's even one of the subjects for my early attempts at drawing. In which case, i always would have a bad case of self-pity after everything about her face goes wrong. Captain Hook is so much easier to draw. Even Tinkerbelle!

I never thought of Alice having any sensible thought except trying to find her way out of Wonderland. I always thought stupidity caused her to fall in the first place. That and being "chismosa". Haha! I read the Lewis Caroll original version about two months ago. I still dont understand it. But i strive to give meaning to an otherwise banal conversation. Like the one on top.

I can so relate. I am at that stage where i actually, honestly have no idea where to go. I know i wanted to die at 30 years of age but the way life is going for me now, i guess Bugoy has other plans. Whatever that is, He has not deemed me worthy of death yet. Ive asked more than a couple of people the question of where do i go from here. I have a stable job. Like i could spend my whole life wasting away at xuhs (hehe). My family's not so bad, i had disastrous relationships (at least i had), and numerous friends who think i'm sane and therefore worthy of their esteem. I've fallen in and out of love like any typical female, had my share of successes and cried through my failings. I have my faith (or what's left of it) and been to places of consequence to my adventurous side. And i now own a Labrador retriever who never lets me out of her sight. Alelluia!

And so i find myself experimenting yet again. Just to see if i still have the strength to walk somewhere. I've made new friends. I want to explore again. Dream new dreams. Think new thoughts. To go "somewhere". Anywhere not here. I do love xuhs, my family, and my friends but i also get to live only once and if God meant for me to be stuck here He wouldn't have made a planet this wide!

I've no idea where to go but i know i have to get somewhere. And i know that once i get somewhere, i'd want to go somewhere again! Seems like i was named Alice for a reason too.

If only i could find that rabbit hole...