a lot of things have been happening in my life lately. i am overwhelmed by the responsibilities people trust me with. i want to know why they think i am capable of these things. i think i am. but not now. not when i am suffering so much. i hate my life. everytime i think about what is happening inside of me i want to die. nobody knows this except the person who stumbles upon this journal.
i think people love me because they need me. and this is truly painful for me. maybe it is my own fault. maybe i am imposing my standard on others. but no matter, it hurts me so much to realize that i am only loved when im needed. thats not love. i am not basing this realization solely on feelings. i know. i have seen people do so. i cannot discuss the details. it is painful and every face i see brings me so much desolation. the price of loving? yes. and it has caused me a certain cynicism.
--to be continued
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