bad dreams

i've been having weird dreams ever since we got a new mattress. charlie says that because we have a proper bed now, i am getting good sleep. it is only when you sink deeper and deeper into sleep that you enter the realm of dreams.

many times i wake up crying because of this dream or that. thankfully, my alert husband could wake up at the first call and hug me back to sleep. the other night, the dream was so bad i couldnt get it out of my head.

let me tell you.

yesterday, charlie and i went to XU main to watch Kabuwadan. It was National Museum Day and there was an opening program. It was supposed to start at 5pm. We arrived around 4 and toured the museum exhibits while waiting. It turned 6pm and the program has not started. We decided to go home.

That night, I had a dream.

It was an eerie continuation of my story. While walking towards the place where we ride the multicab to Balulang, we met a hysterical  Cathy and all her family. They begged for our help and her sister even cried and begged us, saying her baby was in the hospital. Cathy seemed to be really angry and frustrated.  I asked them how much do they need since I only have 2,000 pesos with me. Then somehow I ended up giving them pork humba and they were very happy and started eating.  Enter ethel neoniz carrying her very cute baby girl. I showed the baby to charlie and he carried her in his arms. I remember thinking how happy i was to see him holding her. Then we decided to go on home. But then i suddenly went back to hold the baby and play with her. After a while, i gave her back to her mom and went to join my husband. I saw him arguing with someone on the street and i said to myself, not again. Suddenly i saw him fall. I ran and shouted his name. Then i see him on a truck, on the floor.. and i saw blood everywhere. I was now screaming with horror and saw that he got a steel pole stuck on his chest, like somebody stabbed him with it. It was weird coz as he lay gasping for breath he keeps saying, its not your fault. And i see the man beside him doing his best to stop the bleeding. I remember saying sorry over and over again and blaming myself for leaving him on his own.  

and i woke up with tears in my eyes and my husband hugging me tight saying, "its just a bad dream..."

the search for the elusive sunting

ap-ap in bisaya, haole rot in hawaii. this skin fungus manifested in charlie's legs the day after we went swimming at the pool.  charlie said white men suffer this disease in hawaii and somebody has yet to find the ultimate cure.

i said, really? well, here we treat it with sunting. actually, i've never had ap-ap before but when i was young i remember one of my friends had one and she treated it with sunting. as a student in surigao, we were also made to memorize all the herbal plants. in second year, we were required to tend a herbal garden as a biology requirement. that's how i got to know about sunting.

of course, anything herbal and natural fascinates my husband. so for hours, he researched about sunting or akapulko. incidentally, we had one growing at home but mama recently cut it down. charlie picked a few leaves and using the blender, made juice out of it. he then rubbed it on his legs.

he looked so funny with his green legs and he suddenly had this wild idea about selling the stuff in hawaii and calling the medicine Dr. Boo's Green Legs. hahaha!

the medicine is supposed to be applied for 3 to 4 weeks and there was not enough sunting at home. we heard about sunting growing near the river. so the adventure begins!

"don't kill the plant guys!"

together with ai-ai and aiza, we scoured the whole puntod area of balulang for sunting. we must have walked four miles for just a kilo of sunting leaves! we were expecting lots so we brought four big plastic bags but returned home with just charlie's green bag full.

"isn't it interesting that this plant grows right beside the road?"

the river was muddy brown from the rains, the roads had potholes, and the sky was gray but we just walked on and on. we reached ai-ai's house and charlie became instant celebrity with the kids. 

"hey, you guys! what's up with that?!"

along the way, charlie couldn't resist the animal farms and ended up talking to pigs and cows. he just had to have a photograph with them! 

"dont you have the flu?"

"how's it?!"

finally, we gave up and sat under the cool shade of coconut trees. we did some photoshoots then came home to start making akapulko juice. i felt like collapsing afterwards. the last time i walked this far was during the immersion years! then i realized what i just did and i was actually bringing my own husband out for his immersion! hahahaha! i was able to show him a brief glimpse of rural philippines. this is just the beginning.:)

poolside summer

just when we were about to go crazy in our little hole, we decided to look for a pool to drown out our boredom. this is only the third time i was able to visit pryce plaza hotel. charlie badly needs a tan. i dont need one so i desperately looked for a bit of shade to squeeze into. it was very hot and the sunscreen didn't help. but we had lots of fun! we had the pool to ourselves for about 3 hours. i guess nobody else could stand the heat.

it was Fun Day at the pool so for 150 pesos we were able to get free lunch. the down side is they dont offer drinks along with it. so we had to buy iced tea at 45 pesos. bohooo!!!

added to the 8 zillionth amazing observations charlie has is that the pool guy actually told him to take a shower before he could get in the pool.  as usual charlie says, "i've never had anybody tell me that before." oh well.

charlie tried to teach me to swim. it didnt really help coz i always ended up laughing and swallowing pool water (gross!). it was a warm moment with him and it just felt so good to laugh and swim and tease and laugh some more.

then we went to the serious business of sunbathing. it was amazing how he could bear to be under the heat of the midday sun and enjoy reading a book!

before we left, we played at the seesaw. oh yeah. my husband wanted to play. look at his silly smile!

we then checked out the gym and spa, walked down to the highway and took videos of how we walk. haha! but before that, we managed to take a pciture of the two of us. i am charcoal next to him. ugh!

of wakes and debuts

there are only two events in this world that i do not go to - wakes and debuts.

 

this is a terribly belated confession to make. i have disrespectfully turned my back on debut invitations and turned a blind eye on wakes of students, family friends, student's parents, classmates and teachers who have died.

i absolutely respect the importance of both events to the lives of my friends and their families. i am certain that if i am in the same position, i would be hurt to be ignored. i would want me to be there when i begin ladyhood and become officially legal. i would want me to be there offering comfort at the death of a loved one. but i suck at these things.

mere presence would have been a grand gift and a great comfort.

i do not remember when i decided to skip those two events. but i want to tell you dear mikee and jyle that my heart was absolutely twisting in indecision. i just could not make my body move. and when i did try, i got physically sick. you were always in my mind and i prayed hard that you are happy even if one teacher decided to be absent.

this brings me to horrifying realization that i am bound to start disappointing a lot of people as i grow older. i'm afraid i have become jaded and cynical and oftentimes i see flashbacks of how much i have disappointed many of those who looked up to me. this makes me cringe in shame and regret. i cannot undo everything i have done. i am such a small thing, a mere flawed human. the things i speak of before as true and lasting and dear, i often forget many times as each year passes by.

the longer i am in the world, the more that the struggle for genuine-ness and sincerity take its toll on me. and i am oftentimes confronted with how awfully insignificant and imperfect i am. then i look at the kids i used to teach. now grown up and confronting their own adult struggles. i am humbled that they chose to remember me but all i do is disappoint them. i take it like a stab to the heart. it pains me. it makes me look for the "me" that i was. the one that would do all it takes to show care and sincerity and love.

i cannot find "me".

i got lost somewhere between the struggles of raising a family and confronting my personal demons. i got buried together with a mountain of bills and tuition and daily allowances i had to pay for. i drowned in the bitter realization that i am not enough and i cannot do enough no matter how hard i worked. i lost heart in the struggle for justice and righteousness that nobody took seriously. my heart was trampled on and got used many many times over. it got calloused and hard and i learned to look out for myself. to think of the other "me" again. the other side of the coin. i worked to survive.

so when i get invitations to attend debuts, all i feel is pain. i do not deserve the honor to give blessings. my presence would be a farce. i have changed so much that i feel i am not really the one being invited, but the person i was. so forgive my cowardice, dear mikee and jyle. there is still that lost part of me that thinks of you fondly. and i have not forgotten you. i want to tell you what older people say to the younger ones such as you, "you will understand when you get older".

wakes make me sad. it wraps me in such negativity that i get a bad headache afterwards. i get nausea from the flowers and spirit of the place wraps itself around me even when im home.  i do not like the waiting and looking at the sad people. funerals are better. there is a haunting beauty there that i find intensely powerful. and people actually smile and laugh after the burial! but wakes are like an immense feeling of waiting. its prolonging sadness and it hurts me physically. its a sadness that is too sad for me. i avoid it. and i cannot apologize for it.

this entry is making me sad too..so i have to end it.