reminiscing

LC SUMMER CAMP 2006

where am i going?

Alice and the Cat:

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Alice in Wonderland is one story i never quite understood, and didn't want to for a long time. Its a case of rebellion coz until now, deep inside, i do not really like my name. Haha! If somebody calls me by that name, it still sounds weird as if the person is refering to someone else. Not me. I am not an Alice. ALice sounds too feminine and dainty. Everything I'm not.

I grew up reading Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Pinocchio and all the fairy tale stories in our Disney Children's books. She's even one of the subjects for my early attempts at drawing. In which case, i always would have a bad case of self-pity after everything about her face goes wrong. Captain Hook is so much easier to draw. Even Tinkerbelle!

I never thought of Alice having any sensible thought except trying to find her way out of Wonderland. I always thought stupidity caused her to fall in the first place. That and being "chismosa". Haha! I read the Lewis Caroll original version about two months ago. I still dont understand it. But i strive to give meaning to an otherwise banal conversation. Like the one on top.

I can so relate. I am at that stage where i actually, honestly have no idea where to go. I know i wanted to die at 30 years of age but the way life is going for me now, i guess Bugoy has other plans. Whatever that is, He has not deemed me worthy of death yet. Ive asked more than a couple of people the question of where do i go from here. I have a stable job. Like i could spend my whole life wasting away at xuhs (hehe). My family's not so bad, i had disastrous relationships (at least i had), and numerous friends who think i'm sane and therefore worthy of their esteem. I've fallen in and out of love like any typical female, had my share of successes and cried through my failings. I have my faith (or what's left of it) and been to places of consequence to my adventurous side. And i now own a Labrador retriever who never lets me out of her sight. Alelluia!

And so i find myself experimenting yet again. Just to see if i still have the strength to walk somewhere. I've made new friends. I want to explore again. Dream new dreams. Think new thoughts. To go "somewhere". Anywhere not here. I do love xuhs, my family, and my friends but i also get to live only once and if God meant for me to be stuck here He wouldn't have made a planet this wide!

I've no idea where to go but i know i have to get somewhere. And i know that once i get somewhere, i'd want to go somewhere again! Seems like i was named Alice for a reason too.

If only i could find that rabbit hole...

it's different this year

(my CIS classmates)

months before the summer vacation, i had a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen in my life. i used to have that feeling before and then someone came and it was truly awesome. mostly painful but awesome nonetheless.*sigh*

and so i went to manila. i was expecting two weeks of rest with my god. i thought i'll have the time alone for prayer, eating, and swimming in sacred heart's pool. it never crossed my mind that i'd be attending classes! yep, with the usual recitation and assignments and endless lectures. now i can empathize with my students. ha ha.

i think i must have prayed only twice and that was because i had to use my prayer for the daily practice and practicum. the food was not the best though there was never a menu repeated. each dish each meal is unique. and frustatingly, i was never able to swim. the pool was 3/4 chlorine and 1/4 water. i was afraid to lose my melanin. ngekngok.

it was stressful and i think i missed my family more than i missed them when i was jvp for two years. there was also the struggle of relating with my "classmates". if you look at the picture, you could see how diverse we were. the oldest was 75 and the youngest was 24. culturally, they come from all over asia:vietnam, malaysia, singapore,hongkong, cagayan de oro,zamboanga, naga. occupations vary:writers, campus ministers, teachers, jesuits, corporate, counselors, priests, etc. and we had to live with each other for two weeks. i seldom changed tables. i think i was rebelling and at the same time i was at a loss how to talk to them. it wasnt what i expected at all!

but i did learn. i know "a little" now about spiritual direction. i dont expect that i'd be able to use it. 15 year old kids hardly know what consolation and desolation mean.and i bet they understand "movement of spirits" as the ghosts haunting manresa and xuhs.

to tell all that happened would be tedious and i'd rather keep those things to myself. i still need to taste and savor and chew on my experience. until now its still confusing. its so difficult to answer people who ask how the seminar was.

i guess i'll just have to enumerate "some" of the things i did in manila. for all my fans, hahaha!

• i met teray taveros and her very controversial husband. she has all a woman wishes for:husband,haus, hatid (car). but no baby yet. if i do get married i dont need to attend a cfla seminar. she has instructed as "well".
• i hang out with fajardo, richie yu, mike lucagbo, cheenee, cathy and some xuhs alumnay. niwang na ang pari! and richie i'll never forget the gesture and i'm counting calories now. hahaha!
• talked a bit with pads xave and fr. jboy. chatted with gil, my jvp batchmate na jesuit na. aguy.
• fajardo kidnapped us during the seminar and we ate at maxx with yayam, april and christine. the malls in manila are like night cafe in cdo. daghan tao makalabad ulo.
• got a banana peel for siargao. hehe.
• had a career talk with kuya alwin, jedi master. i have forgotten how to discern and thanks to him i already have a clue how to proceed.
• spent the easter triduum at loyola heights: with meals served by mcdonalds, pancake house, shakeys, and maxx.
• attended good friday services at ateneo.
• after almost a decade, i was able to talk with sr. socorro, r.a. once again. now i am more pressured: religious life, married life, single blessedness?
• saw my cousin and robbed her of her havaianas bag.
• the only good thing about manila is the sunset.

good things are happening. i can feel it here, inside. and its going to be a different school year. it will be awesome. and next year? a! bahala na si batman!

Way Back Into Love (full version)

from music and lyrics